These
are the Chronicles of Famous Surf Writer Ben Marcus and his trip
into the Wilds of the Alaskan Frontier.
Latest Update: September 8, 2000
MOM'S
AT SEQUIM.
Anyone?
Anyone?
While
driving back to Sequim from Lynnwood I used the miracle of cellular
technology to make a whole bunch of calls to literary types, trying
to find the source of this quote:
"There
are no second acts in American lives."
I
wanted to use the quote in an addendum to the Fishing with Greg
Noll story, but I wanted a little background: Like who said it,
and why.
I
called all the literary types I knew: Matt Warshaw, Steve Hawk,
Drew Kampion, my brother, my mom. I got a bunch of guesses: A couple
of Andy Warhols, a David Mamet and a bunch of "it's on the tip of
my tongue."
At
one point I guessed F. Scott Fitzgerald, although I thought it was
more modern than that. A David Mamet kind of deal.
Drew
Kampion called a friend and it turned out one of my guesses was
right. F. Scott Fitzgerald.
That's
a stupid quote, by the way. If any place on earth offers second
chances, it's the U.S. of A. Greg Noll is on his third act, which
is why I wanted to find that quote.
Anyway.
Now I want to know the source of this quote:
"Never
underestimate the stupidity of the American public."
I'll
tell you why.
Yesterday
I submitted my weekly Local Knowledge column to HardSwell.com.
I
wrote it kind of comical and tongue-in-cheek like, and included
this paragraph about the Surfrider Foundation:
"The
Surfrider Foundation asked us to post the Ocean Beach: Beach Clean
Up Schedule 2000 for this fall. We refused, but they coughed up
the thousand bucks, so here it is, in their own words: "All beach
cleanups are from 10 a.m. until noon. Gloves and bags
are provided..."
A
joke, right? Obviously we weren't going to squeeze the Surfrider
Foundation for a grand.
But
never underestimate the stupidity of etc etc.
We
got two irate letters right off the bat.
The
first guy typed like Archy and Mehitabel and he knew he was being
stupid, but he still asked:
"Why
take money from surfrider foundation? sorry for the dumb question,
but it seems a little ironic."
We
let that one go.
But
the second guy rated a response. He e-mailed us, angrily:
"Are
you guys for real? I sure hope not. Asking a non-profit to pay for
getting a very important and vital word out for the public is the
most ridiculous thing I have heard in a while. Especially from a
website that caters to individuals who place a high degree of importance
on preserving the environment, especially the beach and ocean, around
us. I don't want to go off if this was really not the case, but
if it was you guys at swell.com (or maybe you could blame your VC's
and their accountants if you don't have the moral conviction to
take the blame) made the decision to charge the Surfrider Foundation
for their use of web space, you guys are FUCKED!
Wyatt
Lewis
Santa
Cruz, CA'
I
was gonna let it slide until I saw the FUCKED! part, so I had to
respond accordingly.
Wyatt
Nurse!
We
need an emergency sense of humor transfusion on this patient.
Stat!
Ben
I
could have been meaner, but I think he got the message.
Anyway,
I could write a book about all the weird stuff that happens online
and on the road in a day. Drew Kampion suggested that I do.
But
I don't want to be a writer.
Writers
are lame.
Ernest
Hemingway said it best: "Writing is for saps."
And
he was pretty good at it.
But
I'll keep going with the e-mails, just to be boorish.
I
spent the day in Lynnwood, cruising with brother Dan. He makes piles
of money sitting at his desk selling something all day. I'm not
even sure what he sells, but he has five cars (including a Jeep,
a faux Model A, a fricking T Rex of an RV and a mini-van) and six
phone lines and he buys more toys for his nice son Max than I ever
thought possible. He's going to spoil the lad, but maybe that's
good. Max is a nice, normal kid, very un-Marcus like in many ways,
which could be the greatest gift of all.
Almost
makes me want to have a child, but I know better.
While
winding through the strip malls and fast food stands of Lynnwood
we found the AAA and got a bunch of maps. This is an obvious statement,
but AAA really is one of the best bargains on earth. Think the Soviet
Union has AAA? Not a chance.
Thought
about having a CD player installed in the van. I'm using this cheapo,
portable CD player I bought at Best Buy in Marin City. I keep it
in the passenger's seat so it starts and stops all the time from
the bumps, and from the converter turning off and on. I'm constantly
looking over and reaching over to deal with it, and Dan is convinced
it will be the death of me. Or one of the things that will be the
death of me.
Speaking
of death. I enjoy listening to the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation)
because they play good music and the announcers are almost as witty
and erudite as the BBC announcers. The CBC gives a glimpse into
a slightly different world, where people say "bean" instead of "been"
and "shedule" instead of "skedule."
Canada
as heard through the CBC is like a big American state. When there
is a murder or car wreck or a Native American squabble anywhere
in the country, and it's a pretty fricking big country, it makes
the CBC broadcast.
I
understand why the Canadians don't like handguns in the country,
because a murder anywhere in the country is still a big deal.
I
also heard a CBC broadcast that played out one of my worst nightmares.
I have a phobia about driving toward oncoming logging trucks. I
don't trust the buggers. There is a great deal of certain-death
potential energy chained up on those trucks, and I always think
those chains are going to sproing just as the truck is passing me,
and I'm going to end up with the nastiest imaginable splinter.
Well,
a couple of days ago, according to the CBC, one of those logging
trucks somewhere in Canada did go sproing, and a family of four
all died from that splinter. Ouch. Not a good way to go.
Right
up there with that eaten by the snake photo I sent around today.
I'm
going to take the non-logging truck highways through Canada, if
there are any.
I
had the opportunity to go to a Mariner's game with Fourth Gen Jeff
and his grandmother, who I assume is Second Gen. I wanted to see
if Seattle's Safeco could hold a candle to san Francisco's Pac Bell
Park (I think they were designed by the same company).
But
I didn't go. I felt like I would be cheating on my Giants, whom
I love more than life itself. When I left San Francisco three or
so weeks ago the Giants were even with Arizona. Now they're eight
games up. Yahoo. They're going all the way, baby. You heard it here
first.
I
am trying to convince Fourth Gen Jeff to come out here tomorrow
for the SequimAthalon. I'm talking skeet shooting out here in the
morning at the Sunnydell Range, then drive toward Neah Bay and look
for surf in that swell Fourth Gen Jeff says is coming. Take a look
at the Elwha River and maybe surf Lilliput Point at one foot on
the way out, and then fish for salmon in those rented boats from
Eric Von Zipper at Sekiu in the afternoon. With maybe some small-stream
fly-fishing along the way. Sounds fun to me. But:
Jeff's
got a girlfriend! Jeff's got a girlfriend!
And
she wants attention, says SGJ. So that might throw a spanner in
the works, as they would say on the CBC.
So.
if not the SequimAthalon, then down to business tomorrow.
Haircut.
Driver
license.
And
then the first ferry going to Victoria, B.C.
Time
to quit mucking about (as they would say on the CBC) and head north.
Alaska is up there, and the northern lights and all that, and I
want to get going.
I'm
going to call my friend Peter Otsea in Juneau and ask if I can mail
him Mr. Walther. Peter just accepted a teaching job in Yakitat,
also known as Surf City, Alaska. I talked to his wife today, Margie
Hamburger, and she said the beaches are beautiful and there's no
one around.
Sounds
good to me.
Outta
here by Monday at the latest.
Anyone
want to come?
Ben
P.S.
Lisa Boelterson gave birth to a bouncing, baby Boelter boy today.
She is at the South Coast Medical Clinic in Laguna Beach, room 113.
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