Latest Update: July 16, 2001 by Ike The Cat

5:23 PT MONDAY JULY 16, 2001 THE CABIN AT SHERIDAN LAKE "A Letter from Ike"

yeAH, thIS is IkE DoinÍ the Typing. Yeah, The Cat. WhATîS HIS name IS ouT on THE LaKe In a COOL speedBOAT with the LATest Nice PEOple to PUT us Up. WHATHISNAME left this ThinG ON So IÍM Going TO have MY Say. SORRy AbOuT THE typING. You TRY it Doing it on ALL fours.

Jesus chrIST, WhERE do I BEGin??!? IÍm so CAT-damNED Glad to BE out OF that Stupid, SMELLY, RaTTle-TraP, DeATH-TraP oF a VAN. WeÍve GONE almost FOUR-THOUSAND MilES since LEAVING ThaT PLAce with aLL the EASY BIRds AND ThAT SNOOty ORANGE and white CAT in WASHingTON. YEAH, that WAS WHatShis NAMEsÍ MOMÍs PLACE. She WAS NicE, MUCH nicer THAN hER CAT. WeLL IN that FOUR THOUSAND miles WEÍve blown PAST hour AFTER HoUr oF the HAPPiest HUNTing GrOunDS IÍvE EVER Seen. MilE afte MILE of GrEEN GrAss and Bush, PLaCES so Thick WITH mice and BIRds, I WAS spotting ThEm FroM WHERE I was SITTING, oN the DASHboard DirEctlY IN FrONTof WHATÍsHISNAME. IvE Got KNOts on MY head FrOM TRYinG To LEAP oUT oF The WindOW, ForGeTTing That I Was a PriSONer of WhaTSHisnaME.

I DO EvERYthinG I CAN to Get HIM to Stop: MEOW MySelF HOArse. Pee on HIS Patagonia Jacket. LEAVE presents in HIS CooKing POT, AND I Try to PuLL a StevE McQueen WheNeveR I CAN, BuT WhATShisNAME IS JuST SMART EnouGH to KEEP me InsiDE. IÍVe DONE a BIT of RunnING ArOund on THIS Trip, AND itÍs a WHOLe NEW World: BirdS oF EVERy DeSCripTIon, SQUIRREls, PRAIrie DOGS, SkunKS, MICE OUT THE YING-YANG. Ive HAD SoME HaPPY hunting, BUT IÍVE had a FEW CloSE calls MYSelf, ñOH by GoLLy.î ThATÍs HOW SoME of THE CatS Talk in the PLAcES WeÍVE BeeN. HeY, I THOUGHT ThERe WERE some HICKS in CrEScent CITY, but that place is COSmoPoliTAN ComPaRED TO the THE PlaCES WEÍve BEEN.

RURal??? IÍD Say RURal and THEN some. IÍVE Met CATS WhO ArE COMplete HICKS: Who Only EAT mice and haVe NEVER eaten canned ShrimP OR Duck PaTE-THE good StuFF They SELL Here IN CaNADia. IÍVE MeT THEsE WilD-EYEd CaTs IN MonTana aND IdAho WHO are completely ArounD the BENd. THEyÍve Gone native. THEYÍRE the WIldEST-ASS CaTS IÍVE ever Met. TotALLy FeraL. LiVing WilD up IN the Trees, Real PARAnoid About EVERYthing and ALWAys MeoWINg AbOUT BLAck VANs and FRIenDS disaPPEaring in the MIDDLE of ThE NIGHT, NeVER to BE seen AgaIN. ITÍs SoMe WILD Stuff, BUT IÍM enjoying THAt PaRT oF The TRIP. WHEn WhatsHISNaMe DoES LeT ME OuT oF THE RaTTle-TrAp, I GET to Do Some SERIOUS poking AROUNd. I DonÍt KnoW Where WE are OR What TheSE PLaCES are CALLED, But We AinÍT in KanSaS anymore, ThaTÍs FOR Sure.

MeeTIng ALL ThEsE FeRAL, HiLL-Billy CaTS Has BEEn A LittLE TeMPTINg, Kind of LIKE That Movie, THE LOST BOYS. At first I WAS AfRaid of Them BECAUSE theyÍre so Wild ASS, but ThEy DidnÍt WaNT to BITE and SCRATCH, they WANTED me to join: ñJOIN US, Ike of CALiForNIA!!î THEY say, all SPOOKY-Like. ñJOIN US and Run Wild!!! Hunt FOR your Dinner, NEVer GroW OLD! Never DIE!!! JOIN US IKE of calIforNIA. Join US!!!!î

JOIN them. TEMPting. I CANÍt count HOW many TIMES IÍve RUN AwAy and Hid FroM WhaTshISname, LYING low WHIle He MADE more NOISE THAN a Mob oF FERAL CaTS. ñIkE! IkE! COMe on, IKE. WHERE are YOU??!! WeÍVE Gotta GOOOOOOO!î I DONÍT know How Many TIMES IÍve BEEN TempTEd to Stay lost and LET him THINK I got NAIled by a COUGar or CoYoTE or SOMEthing, BUT I AlWays END up FeelING Sorry for HIM and I AlwaYs Come WAnDERING back, Although I TAKE my time, Because I hate RidING ArOUND in That Van.

WeLL, IÍm EquiVocATing a LITTLe bit here. The TRUTH IS, MaNy TIMES IÍve BEEn bombing ArounD the HillS and VaLES and Prairies AND IÍll SMEll SomeTHING ThaT is JUST: EVIL!!!! DonÍT KNOW what It is. DonÍt WANT to KnOw WhAT it is. JuST A ThIck, Heavy Musty Smell, KINd of Cat-like, Kind of DOG-like, USUally with Lots of Blood MIXED in. HonesTly, it Scares the ShiT ouT of ME. NeVer SmeLLed AnyThing LIKe it, Anywhere. DonÍt KnoW What ThAT Smell BelonGS to, But I DonÍT WanT to be Around WheN it Shows Up. YOU Get Me? I ainÍt AFRAId a nuthin (cÍept DOGS) but ThaT SmeLL MaKES my WHISKers POKe out STRaiGHT.

I CoulD Go ON and ON, BUT I just FelT the ViBRATions From ThAT Cool SPEEDboat ChAnge About A mile up The Lake, And I THINK theyÍre Coming BACK. WHATShisname LEFT ThE AOL Connection On and ItÍs Going To TaKe a LITTLE bit of TWISTER to SENd This FiLe. I Will SAY this. This PlaCE WE aRE StaYinG is PrettY SWEEEEET. AlreAdy IÍve Had CannED shrimp, WAHoo, FREsh CreaM, BuffaLO JerKy and SmokED Ham. SmorGASbord or WhaT? WhatshisName is Out ON the Boat oR WorkINg A Lot, and ThereÍs a Room Full of SUCKERS who I HAVE charmed INTO servitude. CANaDIan girls Are EASY.

Not sure IF IÍLL Get The CHAnce to DO This AGAIN. WhatshisName SPEnds SO much Time on This CompUTer, I Never Get A CHANCe to SAY anything. IÍLL ProBably STAY with him A While LonGer. I DONÍT know. I Kind of Miss SmiTh RiVER. KahU and I were GETTing AlOng PrEtty Well at The END there, and I CoulD Deal With Little MISS Persian Bitch. LauRA is A SWEETheart and even though GREG is Grumpy and SwoRE and KICKED at ME a little while, he was A REAL man. WhatshisName needs a LITTLE Work in ThAT Area, BUT Maybe I CAN Help.

HERE he Comes. GoTTA go. NEED to SPELLchECk ThIS thing and SEND it.

Ike (the CAT), OVER and out.