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Latest Update: June 19, 2002 by Ben Marcus

11:16 JUNE 19, 2002 CHEERS BAR AT ANCHORAGE AIRPORT.

You know what I hate worse than waiting around in airports for 19 hours, spending money needlessly and eating badly?

Nothing.

Last year I spent a lot of time hanging around this Anchorage airport making sure the Young Turks all got out in one piece. It was kind of entertaining then because of the sense of shared fiasco from 9/11.. Now it's just a drag. I've been here almost 12 hours and I have eight more to go. I am eating badly and spending money needlessly and watching other guys get large, false breasts pressed into them.

I'm sitting in a Cheers chain bar watching ESPN and I'm wondering it maybe Cheers will sponsor the Sports Awards. They're a nationwide sports bar chain that would benefit from the promotion. I need to put together a business plan and video presentation to send to people. There are millions of dollars out there to be made for someone. I just want to edit the shows.

A guy sitting at the bar just got an incredibly warm reception from an intellectual-looking Jessica Parkerish spunk with very false breasts. I think she's a stripper. She's got the bod and the 'tude. After kissing the guy deeply about six times in front of the entire bar, she said, "You look so good. My heart is pounding. I want to feed you," then she raised her eyebrows suggestively and smiled quietly to herself and squeezed his thigh, then they went running off. Nice.

I've just been wandering around the airport, spending money, eating badly, wasting time and money. Fun. I called Chris Dixon to see if he could pick me up, but he flew back to Orange County with his sick wahine, so he won't be around. Spoke with Colin who was leaving in half and hour for the airport. He's supposed to pick up some dough for me, but it looks like he won't. Oh well.

Elton John is singing a live version of Rocket Man and making me weep for the Seventies and walking down to Cowells with my crummy purple Haut and my lousy wetsuit when I didn't know anything and I was so much happier..

Anchorage Airport isn't all that entertaining. There are a lot of Samoans here for some reason and a lot of hillbillyish Alaska oil-industry North Slope types and a lot of pretty girls and occasionally an interesting-looking Eskimo will walk by. But mostly I'm pushing around my luggage cart with backpack and wading boots and very phallic-looking fishing pole case. Remember the giant phallus that Alex DeLarge used to beat the woman to death in Clockwork Orange? That's what my fishing pole case looks like, sort of.

Did I mention how upset the Flight Attendants were from San Francisco to Seattle when they saw that my Swiss Army Knife had made it through the metal detectors? It wasn't supposed to. I had to take off my Patagonia deep wading jacket and put it through the X-Ray conveyor belt, but they didn't see the knife. The Federal Employees, that is. The Flight Attendants were very upset. I think they were going to file a complaint with security at SFO. It really bugged them. The airports are all on red alert, but security here even after 9/11 isn't nearly as tight as Heathrow Airport was several years ago.

That was another time I spent two whole fricking days waiting around airports, when a certain pothead who will remain nameless spaced out and stranded me in Heathrow for a day and then both of us in the other airport (Stansted) for another day. Rearrange three of the letters in Heathrow and guess the culprit. Pothead was supposed to be at Heathrow at 7:00 in the morning to go to Norway but he spaced out and left me wandering around the worst airport in the First World. Everything else in England is orderly and makes sense. Heathrow is a boondoggle. Like Tijuana.

At one point I left my bags outside to go find the culprit and a security guard with an automatic weapon confiscated the bags and threatened to blow them up. They aren't screwing around at Heathrow. Security here is lax by comparison, even after 9/11..

I had a premonition of 9/11 when I was at Windsor Castle watching passenger jets taking off from Heathrow. I wondered why doesn't some pissed IRA member or Indian or someone else with an anti-British grudge hijack a place and dive-bomb it into Windsor Castle? That would make a statement.

Well, someone did the New York variation on that.

I'm watching the Cubs and the Rangers on ESPN right now. They've been advertising the ESPYs, and I wonder if ESPN will freak out if someone takes the Sports Awards show seriously. I wonder if Fox and ESPN are in competition or collusion? The Sports Awards could give Fox a leg up in the ratings. Not national, but local. It would work.

Now it's Carole King singing Like a Natural Woman. Now I'm weeping for the 60s.

I go out side every once in a while and get a breath of fresh air. I just noticed that people aren't smoking in the terminal. Is interior Alaska also a no-smoking zone like California? That's progressive of them.

The air outside is perfect. Perfect temp. Perfect smell. Alaska is the place to be in the summer. There are an awful lot of people who live in Alaska in the summer and then Hawaii or elsewhere in the winter. Alaska is soothing in the summer. All that light and fresh, cool air.

Only eight more hours to go. Colin will show up, I'll get my stuff out of hock and we'll drive to Girdwood. It'll be nice to be driving around Alaska with someone else, for once, because it's dull to check out all this stuff solo. We can stop at Bird Point to get the exact arrival times of the Bore for tomorrow morning, check in, get a bit of sleep, then I'll go see what Colin can do with this natural phenomenon.

I hope this is all worthwhile. I hate sitting around in airports, watching guys get slobbered over by blatantly horny, intellectual strippers with large, false breasts. As we speak, that man is being fed. I don't think I've ever seen a woman so publicly eager in my life. My phallic fly rod grew eight inches just from her vibe. Maybe my St Croix will fit in that case now.

Maybe not.

I'm tired.

Shit. Now it's Tuesday Afternoon by The Moody Blues. I'm tired and depressed.

10:05 AM ROOM 517 ALYESKA PRINCE HOTEL, GIRDWOOD, ALASKA

Wow, I really was tired last night. I remember coming in here around midnight and starting to write about yesterday and I closed my eyes for a minute and was out for the next nine hours. Unfortunately I fell asleep with this thing plugged into the local AOL number and when I woke up it was still plugged in. If they charge by the minute, I've got problems. Crud.

Colin is sitting in front of the picture window reading a magazine with the mountains and the clouds behind him. He's wearing his wife's underwear and..

Anyway, last night before I passed out I remember writing something like

I am:

Staggeringly tired.

Chilled to the bone but warming up.

Somewhat disappointed.

In the lap of luxury.

Colin and I had just gotten back from watching the early-morning One Star bore come through, and there were warning signs. The mudbanks along the Arm change a lot, I knew that, but now they are less than ideal. Usually there is a slot of about 100 yards between the highway and the mudbank from First Parking lot to Third Parking lot and the bore pops up because all that tide is restricted through that slot. Well now the bar is close in some places and very wide in others, so that slot is gone. Which is not good. I don't think this thing will be rideable from First Parking lot to Third Parking lot, but we shall see. There is a good slot of more than a hundred yards at Second Parking lot, though, so that will be good. This thing is long. I had forgotten.

The bore was about an hour late last night, which was also interesting as I thought that time and tide waited for no nothing. The bore was only a One Star and it was supposed to be through at 23:30. We waited and waited and Colin started making that noise Lurch makes, the sound of a person who had set his law practice and family aside for a week to fly all the way to Alaska for something that didn't exist. I was thinking, "Ooops."

The wind was blowing very hard and cold and I thought that might have something to do with it. On the way in we had stopped at Bird Point to look at the official Bore Tide Chart and we got frozen. The wind was coming right off the glacier and it was cold, baby. It went right through all our expensive Patagonia stuff.

Let me backtrack a little bit. The wait in the airport was excruciating, but finally Colin showed up at 19:30. We got our bags and he got a car, a Chevy Astro that will do very nicely. I gave him hundred while I still had it. We loaded up and I drove out with Colin a little nervous because I was so tired. But I knew my way around. The drive out on the New Seward Highway was uneventful, and Colin got his first look at the scenics and hydrodynamics of the Arm. When the tide goes out here it goes ALL THE WAY OUT and it leaves hundreds of acres of evil-looking (but not smelling) mud flats. Colin was oohing and aahing and we passed Bird Creek but there was nothing moving. Last August I was here when the silvers were running up Bird Creek and it was On For Young and Old, as the Australians say.

We got to Bird Point to look at the tides and we froze. I was a little disappointed to find out that the big tides on Sunday, Monday Tuesday are only Four Stars, but we're talking about a difference of a few tenths of a points in tide. These Stars work on an order of magnitude like a Richter scale, so the difference between a One Star and a Four Star is the difference between a One and a Four on the Richter scale.

So I showed Colin the setup and got my first look at the mudbanks which were less than ideal. The path now sweeps out away from the rip-rap along the bank and you really don't want to be out there. If the wave left you behind there'd be some sketchy paddling to get around the mud, because the last thing you want to do here is set your feet down, and paddling through a pack of beluga whales might not be too much fun either.

Colin was making those Lurch noises and also made noises about bailing out to Yakutat for a day or two to visit a friend named Charlie Russell.

All food for thought as we drove to Girdwood and checked in at the lavish Alyeska Prince Hotel. This place is nice. Somewhere in China or somewhere there is a cherrywood orchard that is no more, because this place is eight stories of cherrywood. It is as lavish as that $750,000 Brazilian hardwood staircase I saw at Francis Ford Coppola's winery the other day. We got a room with no problem and checked in and kicked around a bit. And then we went to look at the bore.

We were about to give up because it was an hour late and I thought that maybe the combination of that damned wind and the new mudflats had knocked it down to nothing. But I knew that wasn't true because when the tide comes in it always shows something.

About an hour late, I said, "Ooops, there it is." It showed up as a little left shoulder on the opposite bank up by Bird Point and then it worked its way toward us, a less-than-impressive six-inch shoulder that was still eerie. My "sea-monster impression" impression still holds. It just weird to literally see the tide come in and sweep over the mudflats in all kinds of weird patterns and shapes and engulf everything before it.

It's weird at six inches and it's weirder at four feet and I can only imagine how weird that Silver Dragon one in China is at 12 feet.

So Colin got a little jazzed to see it, even though it was mostly too weak to surf. I told him the Order of Magnitude deal and I think he believed me and I hope I believe it. It's too bad the bores aren't Five Stars but they should still be enough to get the lads moving on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

So we got a little taste of the bore and I'm still nervous about the mudbanks and all like that. We came back to the hotel and a bunch of broken window glass in the parking lot convinced us to bring Colin's boards into the hotel room.

Now it is 10:24 and the next tide is at 13:30, wind and mudflats permitting.

Colin just called his family on his cell phone and now we're going to take the tram up to the top of the mountain and get some breakfast.

That's about it. Pray for lumps.

And pray the hotel charges by the call and not the minute for local calls.

Crud.

Colin is calling Charlie Russell and telling him he's not coming to Yakutat. The next Bore is at 1:30 and it's a Two Star so we'll see about this Order of Magnitude deal.

Still cloudy. Hope we get at least one Sunny Day here. It's spectacular.

 



TRAVELS WITHOUT IKE

June 19 pt 2, 2002
June 19, 2002

TRAVELS WITH IKE

September 28, 2001
September 27, 2001
September 26, 2001
September 17, 2001
September 15, 2001
September 13, 2001
September 10, 2001
September 9, 2001
September 8, 2001
September 7, 2001
September 5, 2001
September 3, 2001
September 2, 2001
August 31, 2001
August 30, 2001

August 29, 2001
August 28, 2001

August 25, 2001
August 21, 2001
August 20, 2001
August 18, 2001
August 17, 2001
August 16, 2001
August 15, 2001
August 12, 2001
August 10-11, 2001
August 9, 2001
August 8, 2001
August 7, 2001
August 6, 2001
August 5, 2001
August 4, 2001
August 2, 2001
August 1a, 2001
August 1, 2001
July 31, 2001
July 30, 2001
July 29, 2001
July 28, 2001
July 27, 2001
July 24-27, 2001
July 22, 2001
July 18-20, 2001
July 18, 2001
July 17, 2001
July 16, 2001
July 15, 2001
July 13, 2001
July 12, 2001
July 10, 2001
July 9, 2001
July 8, 2001
July 5, 2001
July 4, 2001
July 3, 2001
July 2, 2001
July 1 a, 2001
July 1, 2001
June 30, 2001

June 28, 2001
June 25-26, 2001
June 24, 2001
June 23, 2001
June 22, 2001
June 21, 2001
June 20, 2001
June 19, 2001
June 18, 2001
June 17-18, 2001
June 16, 2001
June 15, 2001
June 14 , 2001

NORTH COAST
March 14, 2001
March 11, 2001

March 8, 2001
March 4, 2001
March 3, 2001
March 1, 2001
February 20, 2001
February 19, 2001
February 18, 2001
February 17, 2001
February 16, 2001


ALASKA 2000
November 19, 2000
November 18, 2000

November 15, 2000
November 14, 2000
November 14, 2000
November 12-13, 2000
November 11, 2000
November 9, 2000
November 8, 2000
November 4-6, 2000
November 3, 2000
November 1, 2000
October 31, 2000
October 29, 2000
October 27, 2000
October 26, 2000
October 25, 2000
October 22, 2000
October 22, 2000
October 21, 2000
October 19, 2000
October 17, 2000
October 16, 2000
October 16, 2000
October 14, 2000
October 12, 2000
October 11, 2000
October 10, 2000
October 10, 2000
October 9, 2000
October 8, 2000
October 7, 2000
October 6, 2000
October 6, 2000
October 5, 2000
October 4, 2000
October 3, 2000
October 2, 2000
October 1, 2000
September 30, 2000
September 29, 2000
September 28, 2000
September 27, 2000
September 25, 2000
September 24, 2000
September 23, 2000
September 22, 2000
September 21, 2000
September 21, 2000
September 20, 2000
September 19, 2000
September 19, 2000
September 18, 2000
September 17, 2000
September 16, 2000
September 15, 2000
September 15, 2000
September 14, 2000
September 13, 2000
September 12, 2000
September 10, 2000
September 10, 2000
September 8, 2000

September 8, 2000

PHOTOS
October 1, 2000
October 1, 2000
September 27, 2000

 

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