Latest
Update: June 19, 2002 by Ben Marcus
11:16
JUNE 19, 2002 CHEERS BAR AT ANCHORAGE AIRPORT.
You
know what I hate worse than waiting around in airports for 19
hours, spending money needlessly and eating badly?
Nothing.
Last
year I spent a lot of time hanging around this Anchorage airport
making sure the Young Turks all got out in one piece. It was kind
of entertaining then because of the sense of shared fiasco from
9/11.. Now it's just a drag. I've been here almost 12 hours and
I have eight more to go. I am eating badly and spending money
needlessly and watching other guys get large, false breasts pressed
into them.
I'm
sitting in a Cheers chain bar watching ESPN and I'm wondering
it maybe Cheers will sponsor the Sports Awards. They're a nationwide
sports bar chain that would benefit from the promotion. I need
to put together a business plan and video presentation to send
to people. There are millions of dollars out there to be made
for someone. I just want to edit the shows.
A
guy sitting at the bar just got an incredibly warm reception from
an intellectual-looking Jessica Parkerish spunk with very false
breasts. I think she's a stripper. She's got the bod and the 'tude.
After kissing the guy deeply about six times in front of the entire
bar, she said, "You look so good. My heart is pounding. I want
to feed you," then she raised her eyebrows suggestively and smiled
quietly to herself and squeezed his thigh, then they went running
off. Nice.
I've
just been wandering around the airport, spending money, eating
badly, wasting time and money. Fun. I called Chris Dixon to see
if he could pick me up, but he flew back to Orange County with
his sick wahine, so he won't be around. Spoke with Colin who was
leaving in half and hour for the airport. He's supposed to pick
up some dough for me, but it looks like he won't. Oh well.
Elton
John is singing a live version of Rocket Man and making me weep
for the Seventies and walking down to Cowells with my crummy purple
Haut and my lousy wetsuit when I didn't know anything and I was
so much happier..
Anchorage
Airport isn't all that entertaining. There are a lot of Samoans
here for some reason and a lot of hillbillyish Alaska oil-industry
North Slope types and a lot of pretty girls and occasionally an
interesting-looking Eskimo will walk by. But mostly I'm pushing
around my luggage cart with backpack and wading boots and very
phallic-looking fishing pole case. Remember the giant phallus
that Alex DeLarge used to beat the woman to death in Clockwork
Orange? That's what my fishing pole case looks like, sort of.
Did
I mention how upset the Flight Attendants were from San Francisco
to Seattle when they saw that my Swiss Army Knife had made it
through the metal detectors? It wasn't supposed to. I had to take
off my Patagonia deep wading jacket and put it through the X-Ray
conveyor belt, but they didn't see the knife. The Federal Employees,
that is. The Flight Attendants were very upset. I think they were
going to file a complaint with security at SFO. It really bugged
them. The airports are all on red alert, but security here even
after 9/11 isn't nearly as tight as Heathrow Airport was several
years ago.
That
was another time I spent two whole fricking days waiting around
airports, when a certain pothead who will remain nameless spaced
out and stranded me in Heathrow for a day and then both of us
in the other airport (Stansted) for another day. Rearrange three
of the letters in Heathrow and guess the culprit. Pothead was
supposed to be at Heathrow at 7:00 in the morning to go to Norway
but he spaced out and left me wandering around the worst airport
in the First World. Everything else in England is orderly and
makes sense. Heathrow is a boondoggle. Like Tijuana.
At
one point I left my bags outside to go find the culprit and a
security guard with an automatic weapon confiscated the bags and
threatened to blow them up. They aren't screwing around at Heathrow.
Security here is lax by comparison, even after 9/11..
I
had a premonition of 9/11 when I was at Windsor Castle watching
passenger jets taking off from Heathrow. I wondered why doesn't
some pissed IRA member or Indian or someone else with an anti-British
grudge hijack a place and dive-bomb it into Windsor Castle? That
would make a statement.
Well,
someone did the New York variation on that.
I'm
watching the Cubs and the Rangers on ESPN right now. They've been
advertising the ESPYs, and I wonder if ESPN will freak out if
someone takes the Sports Awards show seriously. I wonder if Fox
and ESPN are in competition or collusion? The Sports Awards could
give Fox a leg up in the ratings. Not national, but local. It
would work.
Now
it's Carole King singing Like a Natural Woman. Now I'm weeping
for the 60s.
I
go out side every once in a while and get a breath of fresh air.
I just noticed that people aren't smoking in the terminal. Is
interior Alaska also a no-smoking zone like California? That's
progressive of them.
The
air outside is perfect. Perfect temp. Perfect smell. Alaska is
the place to be in the summer. There are an awful lot of people
who live in Alaska in the summer and then Hawaii or elsewhere
in the winter. Alaska is soothing in the summer. All that light
and fresh, cool air.
Only
eight more hours to go. Colin will show up, I'll get my stuff
out of hock and we'll drive to Girdwood. It'll be nice to be driving
around Alaska with someone else, for once, because it's dull to
check out all this stuff solo. We can stop at Bird Point to get
the exact arrival times of the Bore for tomorrow morning, check
in, get a bit of sleep, then I'll go see what Colin can do with
this natural phenomenon.
I
hope this is all worthwhile. I hate sitting around in airports,
watching guys get slobbered over by blatantly horny, intellectual
strippers with large, false breasts. As we speak, that man is
being fed. I don't think I've ever seen a woman so publicly eager
in my life. My phallic fly rod grew eight inches just from her
vibe. Maybe my St Croix will fit in that case now.
Maybe
not.
I'm
tired.
Shit.
Now it's Tuesday Afternoon by The Moody Blues. I'm tired and depressed.
10:05
AM ROOM 517 ALYESKA PRINCE HOTEL, GIRDWOOD, ALASKA
Wow,
I really was tired last night. I remember coming in here around
midnight and starting to write about yesterday and I closed my
eyes for a minute and was out for the next nine hours. Unfortunately
I fell asleep with this thing plugged into the local AOL number
and when I woke up it was still plugged in. If they charge by
the minute, I've got problems. Crud.
Colin
is sitting in front of the picture window reading a magazine with
the mountains and the clouds behind him. He's wearing his wife's
underwear and..
Anyway,
last night before I passed out I remember writing something like
I
am:
Staggeringly tired.
Chilled to the bone but warming up.
Somewhat disappointed.
In the lap of luxury.
Colin
and I had just gotten back from watching the early-morning One
Star bore come through, and there were warning signs. The mudbanks
along the Arm change a lot, I knew that, but now they are less
than ideal. Usually there is a slot of about 100 yards between
the highway and the mudbank from First Parking lot to Third Parking
lot and the bore pops up because all that tide is restricted through
that slot. Well now the bar is close in some places and very wide
in others, so that slot is gone. Which is not good. I don't think
this thing will be rideable from First Parking lot to Third Parking
lot, but we shall see. There is a good slot of more than a hundred
yards at Second Parking lot, though, so that will be good. This
thing is long. I had forgotten.
The
bore was about an hour late last night, which was also interesting
as I thought that time and tide waited for no nothing. The bore
was only a One Star and it was supposed to be through at 23:30.
We waited and waited and Colin started making that noise Lurch
makes, the sound of a person who had set his law practice and
family aside for a week to fly all the way to Alaska for something
that didn't exist. I was thinking, "Ooops."
The
wind was blowing very hard and cold and I thought that might have
something to do with it. On the way in we had stopped at Bird
Point to look at the official Bore Tide Chart and we got frozen.
The wind was coming right off the glacier and it was cold, baby.
It went right through all our expensive Patagonia stuff.
Let
me backtrack a little bit. The wait in the airport was excruciating,
but finally Colin showed up at 19:30. We got our bags and he got
a car, a Chevy Astro that will do very nicely. I gave him hundred
while I still had it. We loaded up and I drove out with Colin
a little nervous because I was so tired. But I knew my way around.
The drive out on the New Seward Highway was uneventful, and Colin
got his first look at the scenics and hydrodynamics of the Arm.
When the tide goes out here it goes ALL THE WAY OUT and it leaves
hundreds of acres of evil-looking (but not smelling) mud flats.
Colin was oohing and aahing and we passed Bird Creek but there
was nothing moving. Last August I was here when the silvers were
running up Bird Creek and it was On For Young and Old, as the
Australians say.
We
got to Bird Point to look at the tides and we froze. I was a little
disappointed to find out that the big tides on Sunday, Monday
Tuesday are only Four Stars, but we're talking about a difference
of a few tenths of a points in tide. These Stars work on an order
of magnitude like a Richter scale, so the difference between a
One Star and a Four Star is the difference between a One and a
Four on the Richter scale.
So
I showed Colin the setup and got my first look at the mudbanks
which were less than ideal. The path now sweeps out away from
the rip-rap along the bank and you really don't want to be out
there. If the wave left you behind there'd be some sketchy paddling
to get around the mud, because the last thing you want to do here
is set your feet down, and paddling through a pack of beluga whales
might not be too much fun either.
Colin
was making those Lurch noises and also made noises about bailing
out to Yakutat for a day or two to visit a friend named Charlie
Russell.
All
food for thought as we drove to Girdwood and checked in at the
lavish Alyeska Prince Hotel. This place is nice. Somewhere in
China or somewhere there is a cherrywood orchard that is no more,
because this place is eight stories of cherrywood. It is as lavish
as that $750,000 Brazilian hardwood staircase I saw at Francis
Ford Coppola's winery the other day. We got a room with no problem
and checked in and kicked around a bit. And then we went to look
at the bore.
We
were about to give up because it was an hour late and I thought
that maybe the combination of that damned wind and the new mudflats
had knocked it down to nothing. But I knew that wasn't true because
when the tide comes in it always shows something.
About
an hour late, I said, "Ooops, there it is." It showed up as a
little left shoulder on the opposite bank up by Bird Point and
then it worked its way toward us, a less-than-impressive six-inch
shoulder that was still eerie. My "sea-monster impression" impression
still holds. It just weird to literally see the tide come in and
sweep over the mudflats in all kinds of weird patterns and shapes
and engulf everything before it.
It's
weird at six inches and it's weirder at four feet and I can only
imagine how weird that Silver Dragon one in China is at 12 feet.
So
Colin got a little jazzed to see it, even though it was mostly
too weak to surf. I told him the Order of Magnitude deal and I
think he believed me and I hope I believe it. It's too bad the
bores aren't Five Stars but they should still be enough to get
the lads moving on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
So
we got a little taste of the bore and I'm still nervous about
the mudbanks and all like that. We came back to the hotel and
a bunch of broken window glass in the parking lot convinced us
to bring Colin's boards into the hotel room.
Now
it is 10:24 and the next tide is at 13:30, wind and mudflats permitting.
Colin
just called his family on his cell phone and now we're going to
take the tram up to the top of the mountain and get some breakfast.
That's
about it. Pray for lumps.
And
pray the hotel charges by the call and not the minute for local
calls.
Crud.
Colin
is calling Charlie Russell and telling him he's not coming to
Yakutat. The next Bore is at 1:30 and it's a Two Star so we'll
see about this Order of Magnitude deal.
Still
cloudy. Hope we get at least one Sunny Day here. It's spectacular.
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